Zooming Out and then back in

It is amazing to think about how over just the last few months my frame of reference has changed. Several months ago, I thought many of my interactions and engagments were totally temporary. But know I am thinking much more about how some of those connections can be strengthened and further developed. The main culprite in this is the work I've been doing with the Dia Art Foundation. A few months ago I harped on the fact that Dia was only supporting a legacy, but much of that understanding was based on a rudimentary notion of how the Foundation worked. Don't get me wrong, I still wished that they would support younger artists, but as I've grown to understand and admire how the foundation works. I just wished that there was a similar conduit for artists like me.

So what has been on my mind. One thing that I've been thinking about is American art. This is definitely influence by the conversations that I've had at Dia, but it is also come to the forefront of my thinking after leaving Singapore last fall. There was an opportunity to stay in Asia, which probably wasn't a bad idea. Though, I felt that I needed to return to the US to further engage what my identity and roots. I just didn't feel settled in Singapore. It was too exotic, so foreign. I needed to return and move to New York to be a part of what was happening in the US. To connect with an American art system and the communities that make it up. What I've realized is that there are no communities. Everyone is really in it for themselves. Maybe that is a bit hasty, but I haven't seem much yet. Will come back to that a year from now.

Maybe what it is more about is the ability to work. Right now, I'm extremely poor, which is forcing my work to remain on this mental/unmade level. That might be good. It allows it to ricochet around my head a bit longer. The ideas can grow and be nurtured a bit more. I've also started to plow through some reading. Even have the opportunity to do some writing. This is all great stuff and makes me excited about doing what I'm doing. Though, Singapore is in my head. Mainly because it would allow me create. I just need to find that balance where finances do not come in the way of studio time.

Back to American Art. I heard Chrissie Illes speak about Michael Heizer last week. She and others have spoke of his preoccupation with making an America Art. That is why he is out in the Nevada desert moving mountains. But what is American Art now? Highly educated curators at the Whitney Biennale are even having trouble trying to answer that question.
My take on this focus more about what I think it should be that what it might be. I think it should be about intersections and interactions. For me Heizer has disconnected himself in ways. He is continues to develop lines of thinking that date back to earlier work. I'm sure that the work will be amazing, even awe inspiring, but I do think that is what people are connected to these days. It will hark back to a past that Art historian love to talk about, but still doesn't respond to the present or try to make a change.

I'm cogniscent of technology, but artist who use technology rarely are able to create due to the restraints of the medium. With scientists trying to be creative, but never really grasping how to move beyond black and white. Much of the art I see is either A+B+C+D= Art or Look what I can do, but I'm unable to really say anything with it.

I've been going out on a limb for some time working with games. For me this is an American Art Form! While it has a big Asia influence there is still a divide between cultural output that allows it have a specific identity. Though I'm not just interested i in the visual aspects of games. My interest lies in the ability to function with in a mode of interaction. It is about doing and engaging in that action.

I think that I am working toward a manifesto here.
As my laptop is about to die - I'm going to add more later.

Zooming Out and then back in refers to our desire to sit back and watch things from afar. Staying away from engagment. I use to be scared of aggressive behavior, but that is what makes life interesting. Anyway more later.

Mad over Power

Was finally able to get out of the house for some fun last night. Had good food, a cigar, and got to talk to some interesting people. That is what makes for a good night. Even had a British guy give me shit over my Arsenal scarf. He was good at taking the piss out of me, but in the end we had a good conversation about soccer. Learned he played for the NY Cosmos.

One thing that a friend and I spoke about last night was our lack of aggressive temperment. I have never been in a fight before. I was always the one being provoked, but in the end I was able to talk my way out it. This has happened as a kid in High School, even as a coach on the soccer field. When thinking about it from the other point of view, I don't even know what it would take to become aggressive. The easy answer is my family, but what else?

Now getting to the reason I'm writing. Watching the case against Scooter Libby has brought up thoughts of anger. I am getting sick of hearing how much certain people can get away with and still not have to face the consequences. It just underscores the fact that no one really cares about truth anymore. Maybe there never has been concrete truth, just as history is subjective. But, it is the manipulation of the truth is that I fear most. When I speak of truth though, I'm talking more toward how truth effects reality. The ability to make reality and never come to terms with it. As an artist, I understand this desire and ability, but I'm not making decisions about anyone elses life except myself. For me the ethicality and morality of such decision is much more of a crisis that the subjects of abortion or gay marriage. This is much deeper and sinister. I guess that is what our society has become. This is what makes me mad.

March 2007

Coming and Going. I can never seem to catch myself. But every day seems just a little closer to where I do want to be.

I've again been thinking about the future and the past. Mainly trying not to make mistakes in an effort to get where I want to be. Thought that last weekend was a good step in that direction. Started an adjunct teaching stint. In the end it went well, but the process was quite painful. Realized that teaching is difficult and that it takes a lot of time and effort. Guess nothing in life is never easy. Though, I thought that teaching a game design course would come easier than most. The more I think about this, the more I realize where my sensibilites lie.

I had a talk today with another artist. We were discussing our development as artists. For the two of us it is going to be a long slow development. We both neither have the money nor the aggressive nature to become ArtStars. But in this process it becomes apparent how choices become very important. It is almost like forming an identity. If I chose to go one way then I become that person. The other way means being someone else. So, the question becomes what type of artist to I want to become? Who is it that I want to be? I'm feeling drawn to a specific answer, but that answer doesn't fit exactly. Again, it is somewhere in the middle. But the middle is a place where I'm hoping not to be. It is that grey area. I need something more definite. Especially when it is hard to define what it is I even do. It is everything and nothing at the same time. No one understands it. For me it's still hard to talk about it. I'm just hoping answers will come.

Gettn Around to It

Was going to write about some ideas I had about conceptual art. But does it really matter. Ok, I'll sum it up quickly. Can art be only an idea? That want I've been dealing with. My answer is yes! No need to make anything ever again. Hurray. That takes a load off my mind. That's what grad school should have taught me. Maybe it did, it just took a year for me to realize it.

I've just discovered Lily Allen. Brit Pop has invaded my life. Wonder what it feels like being 21 and a music star. Must be nice to be making loads of money and travel the world. I'm happy to say that music has come back into my life and it feels amazing. Forgot how great it makes me feel and it's all around me.
Was wondering if everyone thinks that some day they will make it big. Well not big, maybe just do something important. I guess that is defined by the person. Once a guy told me that all I need to do is ONE BRILLIANT thing in art and you're set. It would be nice to do something brilliant. Wonder if I have it in me or not?
Right now, I just want to have a little fun. Would be nice to get out of dodge and take in some sites. Maybe find a bit of trouble. Or atleast make me think lit I'll get in trouble. I'm sick of having to be an adult. Guess that comes with the territory.
No, it doesn't. Being fun is a state of mind or a way of life. I tend to be a bit too serious. Another change to make in my life. Always evolving that my goal.

Good Day

Today was one of those days where things fit into place and the neurons in my brain have been firing at full. Ideas have been ever present and I've even had the chance to devour some theory. It is the type of day that I want to have everyday, but life tends to get in the way.

Yesterday consisted of a meeting with a local artist and gallery owner. Went to visit her gallery and then was invited to have dinner with her and several friends. The short trip became an interesting night spent meeting really nice people. Mix in good food and a few beers, and you have a great time. Though being the youngest at the table, I felt at ease and a part of the dialogue. And what a dialogue it was. Ranging from architecture to art, we covered a lot ground. I kept making similarities to the conversations I have with friend and aquantances of my own age. These people had nothing to hide and it atleast seemed like honesty presided. You never know though.

Another discouragement in my present situation is that I feel as though young artists aren't willing to have a dialogue or converse on an honest level. People are always hiding behind words that are too complex and meaningless. I've always felt that this pervasing competitiveness that is in the art world really stifles what could happen. The last two weeks, I've been reading about the Situationists, a group creatively and politically motivated. When was the last time I had a conversation that was politically progressive and not just a spew of words from FOX, CNN, or the NY Times. Status Quo prevails. Again, it is all about talk and no action. That is what I miss, action. It is probably why I'm making work that gets back to physical activity and connections. It is this loss of connection between people and it's replacement with these fake, empty tendrils, that bothers me. I keep having a conversation with a guy at work, but it never gets past anything more than these very shallow interests we have.

With all the time I have been spending near works of art (I'm a gallery attendant), I have had time to think about some major artists and their work. It has given me time to concentrate on this work. I have lived with it so much so that I even know its flaws and how it will one day fall apart. What I see is moment in history. A moment that took place almost 40 years ago. Now it has become a relic of business transaction. A legacy of two people that spent a great sum of money to support that type of work. But what now? It becomes a tomb stone, a monument. An object that really know one cares for, except when they are told to do so. I wish more money was spent in creating work than in building this didactic history. What I do now is watch the slow decay of what was once a great idea. Now I get to interact with the people that are being paid to make that idea or value last as long as it can. Where is the true meaning or worth?

In the last two hours, I've had several ideas to write about tonight. Though they escape me at this moment. Very typical for me.
A person that I knew in college emailed me today. She expressed a similarity of position between where she is and I am. There is comfort in know others are going through something similar. But, I'm wondering if that comfort is something that I should dwell on or a realization that it is just another way of anesthetizing an already moderate situation. It does feel nice to know that there are others, but part of me feels like that is just apathy. Actually, I'm just happy to hear from her. It was a very unselfish thing to do on her part and I am very thankful.

Again that idea of being boring or just falling in line with what I should become is present. It almost makes me want to revolt. Turning things on their head and radicalizing every aspect of my life. Though that would be too hard and irresponsible to those that I hold close. The question then becomes, can I find a point at which this need to break with the norm can fit with a life that needs stability. Can actions and ideas separate themselves. Maybe!

One of the characteristics that I admire about myself and that caused many problems in grad school is this need to break with or avoid the traditional. It has alway been about breaking connections and then trying to rebuild. What I'm realizing is that this breaking has led to a lot of loss. Loss that I feel can never return. That is something which I don't want to see happen. I want to become a more social person. Not the artist in his studio, having conversations with himself. But, a person partaking in a larger discussion. But where is this discussion?

Maybe it is something that I have to build on my own. That is actually my goal over the next few months. To begin a dialogue that grows into something larger.

Beginning Anew

Since last October, I have really felt like there has not been much to discuss via this blog. My life has been in total transition. I haven't accomplished any real work and each day goes by without a feeling of having gotten any further than I was the day before. Maybe this is exactly what I needed after Singapore. A dose of real life. The realization that this won't be easy. Maybe it is time to review what I've been doing and take stock of where I want to go.

I have 5 months or so, until I turn 30. It's not significant in any terms, but it has made me think about what I want to accomplish in life. People I know are making gobs of money, having secure lives, with a home, cars, an retirement account. Though when talking to these same people, I feel like they have sold their lives for a typical suburban American dream. One the I find extremely boring. Then you have a life like mine, where I've been jumping around. Doing this and that. My guess is that it is finally time to sit and think about what I really want out of my life. In the difficult times, I realize how easy choices are to make, yet the consequences later are hard to deal with.

Coming into this year, I've been very excited. That excitement comes in the hope that positive things will happen this year. Though, I understand that we all hope for the best and believe that something new is around the corner. My conclusion on this is that good things come to those who put themself in the position to succeed. It doesn't happen by waiting. Part of me feels like that is exactly what I'm doing, waiting. This might be a realization that you don't succeed for having good ideas, they must be realized and marketed to the right people.

Now, it is just going to take the initiative to make those things happen and create the person that I really want to be. I know that person. There is a vague picture of him in my mind. It is just a matter of inventing a process to make that happen. This year will go along way to accomplishing just that.