In the last two hours, I've had several ideas to write about tonight. Though they escape me at this moment. Very typical for me.
A person that I knew in college emailed me today. She expressed a similarity of position between where she is and I am. There is comfort in know others are going through something similar. But, I'm wondering if that comfort is something that I should dwell on or a realization that it is just another way of anesthetizing an already moderate situation. It does feel nice to know that there are others, but part of me feels like that is just apathy. Actually, I'm just happy to hear from her. It was a very unselfish thing to do on her part and I am very thankful.

Again that idea of being boring or just falling in line with what I should become is present. It almost makes me want to revolt. Turning things on their head and radicalizing every aspect of my life. Though that would be too hard and irresponsible to those that I hold close. The question then becomes, can I find a point at which this need to break with the norm can fit with a life that needs stability. Can actions and ideas separate themselves. Maybe!

One of the characteristics that I admire about myself and that caused many problems in grad school is this need to break with or avoid the traditional. It has alway been about breaking connections and then trying to rebuild. What I'm realizing is that this breaking has led to a lot of loss. Loss that I feel can never return. That is something which I don't want to see happen. I want to become a more social person. Not the artist in his studio, having conversations with himself. But, a person partaking in a larger discussion. But where is this discussion?

Maybe it is something that I have to build on my own. That is actually my goal over the next few months. To begin a dialogue that grows into something larger.