Mad over Power

Was finally able to get out of the house for some fun last night. Had good food, a cigar, and got to talk to some interesting people. That is what makes for a good night. Even had a British guy give me shit over my Arsenal scarf. He was good at taking the piss out of me, but in the end we had a good conversation about soccer. Learned he played for the NY Cosmos.

One thing that a friend and I spoke about last night was our lack of aggressive temperment. I have never been in a fight before. I was always the one being provoked, but in the end I was able to talk my way out it. This has happened as a kid in High School, even as a coach on the soccer field. When thinking about it from the other point of view, I don't even know what it would take to become aggressive. The easy answer is my family, but what else?

Now getting to the reason I'm writing. Watching the case against Scooter Libby has brought up thoughts of anger. I am getting sick of hearing how much certain people can get away with and still not have to face the consequences. It just underscores the fact that no one really cares about truth anymore. Maybe there never has been concrete truth, just as history is subjective. But, it is the manipulation of the truth is that I fear most. When I speak of truth though, I'm talking more toward how truth effects reality. The ability to make reality and never come to terms with it. As an artist, I understand this desire and ability, but I'm not making decisions about anyone elses life except myself. For me the ethicality and morality of such decision is much more of a crisis that the subjects of abortion or gay marriage. This is much deeper and sinister. I guess that is what our society has become. This is what makes me mad.

March 2007

Coming and Going. I can never seem to catch myself. But every day seems just a little closer to where I do want to be.

I've again been thinking about the future and the past. Mainly trying not to make mistakes in an effort to get where I want to be. Thought that last weekend was a good step in that direction. Started an adjunct teaching stint. In the end it went well, but the process was quite painful. Realized that teaching is difficult and that it takes a lot of time and effort. Guess nothing in life is never easy. Though, I thought that teaching a game design course would come easier than most. The more I think about this, the more I realize where my sensibilites lie.

I had a talk today with another artist. We were discussing our development as artists. For the two of us it is going to be a long slow development. We both neither have the money nor the aggressive nature to become ArtStars. But in this process it becomes apparent how choices become very important. It is almost like forming an identity. If I chose to go one way then I become that person. The other way means being someone else. So, the question becomes what type of artist to I want to become? Who is it that I want to be? I'm feeling drawn to a specific answer, but that answer doesn't fit exactly. Again, it is somewhere in the middle. But the middle is a place where I'm hoping not to be. It is that grey area. I need something more definite. Especially when it is hard to define what it is I even do. It is everything and nothing at the same time. No one understands it. For me it's still hard to talk about it. I'm just hoping answers will come.